Name: Trumpy Bear.
Age: 17 months.
Appearance: This year’s must-have Christmas gift.
Is Trumpy Bear a teddy bear that farts? No, although considering that another must-have Christmas gift of 2018 is a unicorn that literally defecates slime, no one could blame you for thinking this.
So it’s Donald Trump, then? Correct. Trumpy Bear is a teddy bear that looks like Donald Trump, in that it has a red tie, a bizarre haircut and a tiny little mouth.
Oh, I saw an ad for this. The one where a parent unzips Trumpy Bear’s back to retrieve a giant American flag to keep her child warm, before a team of firefighters chant in unison “Some firehouses have Dalmatians – we have Trumpy Bear!”? That’s the one.
But surely that was very obviously satire. Nope. That was a real advert that really aired during real commercial breaks on channels including Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel. Trumpy Bear is really for sale, too; he is made by a company called Exceptional Products Inc.
I’ve heard of this company before. Perhaps you own a Hairdini hair-styling wand, or some Plaque Attack spray for improving dogs’ oral hygiene, because those are also featured products on the Exceptional Products website.
My dog’s teeth are perfectly clean, thank you. Anyway, the point is, Trumpy Bear is a real thing you can actually buy. And, according to its inventor VL Lange, it is not a joke. In a statement to fact-checking site Snopes in January, Lange said: “This is not a joke.”
This went from funny to disturbing in record time. There’s no reason for you to be disturbed. Stuffed bears and US presidents have long been intertwined. Have you forgotten that teddy bears are only called teddy bears because of Theodore Roosevelt?
No, but … But nothing. If Theodore Roosevelt can have a toy named after him, then surely so should Trump.
He already has a toy, though. Remember Trump: The Game? The 1989 Monopoly-inspired game came with a 12-page rulebook and became notorious as one of Trump’s worst ever failures? Oh boy, who could forget?
Hang on, is Donald Trump making any money from the sale of Trumpy Bear? No. This is an unaffiliated product, so none of its revenue will go towards, say, Trump’s 2020 re-election fund.
Phew. Not that he needs it. He has already raised over $100m.
Quick question: are we all dead? Yes. We are all dead and this is hell. It must be. That is the only logical explanation for any of this.
Do say: “All I want for Christmas is a Trumpy Bear.”
Don’t say: “At least until someone makes a Trumpy voodoo doll.”